Humor Page From The 1990s

25 Dec

laughing at comedy magicianBy Derrel Allen

After posting a new picture of my Angelynn from a Christmas party on Facebook, I decided to look up an old article I had written in the 1990s on my original web pages. Here for my amusement are those humorous recollections.

Humor & Logic

Collection of Pithy Sayings and Other Nonsense


Greeting cards from Hallmack™

“Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.”

“How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?”

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you.”

“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?”

“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”

“If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”

“As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!”

“Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.”

“Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”

“Happy Birthday! You look great for your age…Almost Lifelike!”

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

“We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits?”

“I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.”

“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday-so we’re having you put to sleep.”

“Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!” (available only in Arkansas)


Observations

Objects on Calendar are closer than they appear.

Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

I may be stupid, but I ain’t.

If you have to ask how much, you probably know more about money than I do.

No one goes there anymore, it’s too crowded.

Ever Heard of ANY of THESE folks?

Haywood Yasumi, ESQ. – partner at Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe, LLC.

Pat Matuche – Haywood’s secretary

Amanda B. Rekkinwythe – Haywood’s sister?


10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER:

  1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking up anything.
  2. Do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
  3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants way too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
  4. I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
  5. Current thinking is that in order for you and me to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only words I need from you on this subject are “early” and “Sir”.
  6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
  7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. She is putting on her makeup, or whatever, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
  8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool – places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight – places that are dark or poorly lit – places where there is dancing, holding hands, or excessive happiness – places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat – movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
  9. Do not ever lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
  10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy. When my Agent Orange starts kicking in, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Note the camouflaged face at the window is mine. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside.

Leave a pithy comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: